the five love languages gary chapman


The five love languages can change drastically the relationships with the people we love, can prevent misunderstandings between husband and wife or father and son. In my opinion, this book should be studied in school because just as we need to learn math and grammar we need to learn to express love properly.

If I had read the five love languages earlier I would have understood why the people that I cared about behaved in a certain way in certain situations. I know it’s a big claim but I hope that this article, and especially the book, are going to help you have a better relationship with the people you love.

the five love languages gary chapman



To be loved is one of the most basic needs we have but the necessity of such a fundamental feeling as love, often, is not satisfied. Its lack is the cause of the infinity of problems we have when we relate with who we care about. Dr. Chapman says that each one of us has an emotional love tank and for some the emotional  love tank is empty.


“Psychologists have concluded that the need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need. For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships. Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable, and hardships our plight in life.”

The Five Love Languages By Dr. Gary Chapman Page 24

The main reason of this shortage is that people can express their emotions and feel loved in different ways. There are five different behaviors, five different ways to express love.

Therefore, is not guaranteed that the person we love knows and speaks our same language, or else, show us love in the same way as we do. The root of the problems many couples have is that they speak different languages between them. Imagine a couple in which the wife is talking Russian and the husband is talking Chinese.

Obviously, the love they are trying to express to each other can’t be conveyed to their partner. The incapacity to mutually express love is the cause of misunderstandings in every kind of relationship because when we don’t feel loved we behave in ways that tend to deteriorate even more the rapport.

Often, we communicate our love to others as we would like it to be expressed to us; that’s why, sometimes, despite all our efforts to show how much we care about a loved one we listen to affirmations such as “you don’t love me enough; you never do anything for me”. These kind of insinuations sounds absurd from our point of view and for this reason the rapport tends to constantly deteriorate.

To heal every kind of relationship that is already compromised the only possibility is to learn to express our feelings and to love in the same language of the person we care about in order to satisfy the reciprocal need of being loved.


“No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands
only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other. – We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.”

The Five Love Languages By Dr. Gary Chapman Page 17

When we interact with someone that feels and express love differently from us it doesn’t matter in how many ways we try to convey our love because even though we have good intentions our affection will not be understood until will learn to express it in a way that is relatable to the person we care about.

It is as if We are trying to open a safe with the wrong combination, all our effort will be useless, because the safe will open only when we will use the right one.

Let’s analyse in detail the five different love languages:


The people that understand the love language of words of affirmations feel loved when our feelings towards them are expressed verbally with phrases such as “you look amazing; thank you for having cooked dinner; I love you; I care about you” and so on.

The Five Love Languages By Dr. Gary Chapman WORDS OF AFFIRMATIONS


“The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we
are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate.”

The Five Love Languages By Dr. Gary Chapman Page 54


The people that understand the love language of quality time feel loved when they spend time with who they care about, for instance, watching a movie or having a walk in a park. However is not enough for them to show love simply by being physically present, they want our complete attention when we are together with them. A father that is playing with his son but meanwhile is speaking on the phone is not communicating properly his love.

love language quality time


“A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity…. Togetherness has to do with focused attention.”

The Five Love Languages By Dr. Gary Chapman Page 84


The people that understand this love language feel loved when they receive gifts. In fact when you buy a present for someone you are showing that you thought about him/her and, therefore, that is important for you. It doesn’t really matter how much did you pay for the gift because even a simple note with wrote on “I care for you” it is a symbol of love for someone that speaks the love language of receiving gifts.

The Five Love Languages RECEIVING GIFTS



“If you discover that your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts, then perhaps you will understand that purchasing gifts for him or her is the best investment you
can make. You are investing in your relationship and filling your spouse’s emotional love tank, and with a full love tank, he or she will likely reciprocate emotional love to you in a
language you will understand.”

The Five Love Languages By Dr. Gary Chapman Page 114


The people that understand the love language of acts of service feel loved when we do mansions to show we care about them, for instance: cooking dinner, taking out the garbage or cleaning the garage. When a wife is asking for help, in whatever form, to her husband is literally asking him to show her his love. I know it might sound weird but remember not everybody feels loved in the same way.

ACTS OF SERVICE The Five Love Languages By Dr. Gary Chapman


“By acts of service, I mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things
for her.”

The Five Love Languages By Dr. Gary Chapman Page 131


The people that understand this love language feel loved when we show them love through physical touch. In a couple this doesn’t necessarily means to have sex, but it can simply mean to walk hand in hand, to hug each other as soon as one of the two comes back home.

love language physical touch


“Once you discover that physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination on ways to express love. – If you are not accustomed to holding hands in public, you may find that you can fill your spouse’s emotional love tank as you stroll through the parking lot. If you don’t normally kiss as soon as you get into the car together, you may find that it will greatly enhance your travels. Hugging your spouse before she goes shopping may not only express love, it may bring her
home sooner.”

The Five Love Languages By Dr. Gary Chapman Page 161


To learn more:

Purchase The 5 Love Languages. (Link to

Read the complete list of Personal Development Books.

Discover your love language with a simple quiz. (Link to Dr. Chapman’s site).